Tuesday, November 14, 2006
The Unintended Perils Of The Twenty-Second Amendment
I'm not going to lie to you people, I don't have a lot of flaws. I will start a paragraph with a run-on sentence every so often, but past that, I have a hard time thinking of something about me that isn't the highest expression of human potential. Even my sense of self-worth is so well-honed it hovers somewhere around the thin high edge of theoretical capability, in the misty, dizzy reaches past sense and science, somewhere vaguely in the exclusive neighborhood of the intersection of Fuckin' and Awesome. There's me, there's George Clooney and that's about fucking it. It's a burden.

All that said, I recognize I'm not perfect. No one is. For instance, I'm not insanely, independently wealthy. Yet. It's an embarrassing character flaw, but there it is. I have no problem admitting it. If you're going to be excellent in every way, that has to include humility and self-examination. I can say with confidence that I am by far the humblest motherfucker any of you know, maybe ever. Don't press me on this because you will fucking lose.

If I had to pick one thing (besides not being insanely, independently wealthy, which I assume will be shortly remedied) about me that wasn't bordering on superhuman-levels of Kick Ass, I would have to say that I can be somewhat indecisive.

I don't know, maybe that's a little strong. I guess I could say instead that from time to time I might exhibit some hesitation where clarity is a short-term necessity--ordering in restaurants, four-way stop signs, my part-time volunteer work with the Bomb Squad*--but I don't know that I would say for-sure, most-definitely that it is the thing about me that is the most flawed. For now I guess we can table it and come back to it later when we've all had a chance to think about it some more, maybe work up some flow-charts where we consider every possible permutation before rendering a final-ish conclusion. You know, just to be thorough.

All of this is just meant to explain to you people why I am not happy with the immediate post-midterm rash of announcements for president-candidacy in 2008.

It sounded like I was making fun of California Republican Duncan Hunter when he announced a few weeks ago, but honestly, I was all on board with a one-person primary season. If you want a little glimpse of the existential terror of choosing, go back to the earliest days of this blog during the '04 race. I wrote whole posts about cuddle parties and palm trees. Clearly a cry for help from an overtaxed mind.

But now, my God, Iowa Governor Tom Vilsack, Senator John McCain, former NYC Mayor and comic book superhero Rudy Giuliani... Jesus knows who else before it's all over. It's doing my head in. It really is.

I guess the good news for me as a Democrat is that the only D in the race so far is Vilsack, but come on. That doesn't help THAT much. The stories say that in terms of name recognition amongst potential Democratic candidates, Vilsack placed fourth IN HIS OWN STATE after Hillary Clinton, John Edwards and popular perennial write-in leader Heywood Jablomi.

I'm not encouraged. If I HAVE to choose from multiple candidates, I'm going to have to insist on at least one viable non-Republican. I blame Jimmy Carter for this trend of nobodies running for president. Every time someone runs with zero national profile, they immediately point to Carter as Georgia governor in '76 coming out of nowhere to win not only the nomination, but the presidency. Yeah, and look how good that turned out for everyone. Carter got a frickin' Noble Prize. We got hostages and malaise. Delicious, delicious malaise.

All we've gotten so far is the non-participation announcement from Mark Warner, former governor of Virginia. But that's OK, because we don't need anyone with executive experience (seeing as no senator has been elected in what will be 48 years) or who could deliver one or more Southern states. Give it a miss, Mark. Leave it to Vilsack. I'm sure we'll all be inspired enough by a guy from a state with a six-figure population and whose name sounds like a particularly distressing part of a squid's anatomy.

So I'm of two minds. Shocking, right? I want someone to run worth running, but I need to keep the list of candidates short so my skull doesn't cave in. We have open primaries in California, which means regardless of party, you get to choose from ALL candidates. Fucking statewide propositions.

In a way, then, I'm inspired by the example of Wisconsin's Senator Russ Feingold, the target of a draft movement by "progressives", eggheads, wonks and Jews** for the last year or so. Russ has decided to sit this cycle out. I think more people should look to the Feingold precedent. We don't need everyone to run just because it will be a term-limit non-incumbent open year. Wes Clark can run, and Hillary and maybe John Edwards. But we don't need the whole Democratic caucus of the United States Senate.

I know your new committee chairmanships will make you feel all heady and powerful, but really, don't do it, Joe Biden. Stay retired, Tom Daschle. I hear Tennessee is lovely in the fall, Bill Frist. Just let us be. Let us have President McCain. At least then we know he'll stop running and maybe I can go off my meds.

This post on the Narcissus Scale: 9.1


*= not the police/military explosives defusers, I mean the local hip-hop group I've been kickin' it with since junior high, Da Bomb Squad. My position in the group is Chief Minister in Charge of Rhyme. It's been slow going. Do you have any idea how many words rhyme with "poon"? It's fucking paralyzing.

**= I have no evidence of Jewish involvement, nor am I making the connection because I assume this guy named Feingold is not of Swedish descent. I just think it's safe, when putting forward any kind of conspiracy-type movement amongst groups, to include Jews. They give any nefarious plot instant credibility with the trailer-park section of my readership.


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