Sunday, January 21, 2007
Throw Me The Idol, I Throw You The Whip
The pebble has been dropped from the top of the mountain and now the snowball rolls downhill, gathering into an avalanche. But instead of snow, it's mostly made of gold and bullshit bonded together by a gossamer web of innuendo and lies.
We're one year out from the New Hampshire primary! Can you feel it?! I said can you fucking feel it?! My Jesus, my Holy Sweet Mother of God-a-Mercy, can Blog Nirvana be that close? Remember all the good times we had waaay back in '04 when all this shit rolled around the first time? Man, I had like two weeks of material on Alan Keyes alone.
In the last two days, Barack Obama has jumped into it. Huge mistake, but Kennedy did it back in '60 with similar experience, so fine, OK. In order to match Kennedy's feat, I'd say Barack has about 360 days to figure out how to be a war hero, a Pulitzer winning author, come from an independently wealthy family with the political muscle to make dead people vote and not be black. Or have his middle name be "Hussein". Once his campaign works those kinks out, he'll be golden.
Then all he needs to do is contend with a recently announced Hillary Rodham Clinton, New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson, good ole Johnny Edwards, Iowa Governor Tom Vilsack, dwarf-vote populist Dennis Kucinich and probably eventually Wesley Clark, John McCain (is he already officially running?), Rudy Giuliani, my boy Duncan Hunter and possibly even a re-animated John F. Kerry.
In case you weren't sure, the F stands for "fuuuuuuuck, I hope not".
And that won't even be a complete list. I think at this point it would be faster to make a list of people who are not running for president of the United States in 2008.
I know, you immediately went to "Well, I know at least we can count you out, Pops, har har har."
In eight grade I used to roll up my pant legs into these funny little fold-over tapers about three inches above my ankle. It looked retarded, but I did it. Why? Because I lack the ability to stand before the tide of public fashion--in any form, however obviously superficial or fleeting--without being swept away by it, dignity be damned.
That said, I am here to announce that I am forming an exploratory committee to look into the viability of my candidacy for President of the United States.
And to find the Lost Ark of the Covenant.
I figure this President thing is a long shot, right? Sure, I'm a white male, so I've already got it all over some of these so-called candidates, but there are so many others, I honestly don't think I've got the best shot ever. So I figure if I'm going to spend all the time and energy putting together an Exploratory Committee, well, we had better have a backup plan in case this thing goes tits-up before the first ballot next January. We gotta spend the money on something. What do you want us to do, give it back? What am I, a fucking Democrat?
But seriously, if the presidentin' thing don't work out, it makes sense to me that an Exploratory Committee can burn through some serious cash by doing some actual exploratoring.
Politics, of course, is fraught with danger. As foolproof as this Ark of the Covenant idea seems to be (imagine what I could do to my opponents should I find it!), there are serious risks, the foremost of which is of course this:
I mean, holy fuck. There aren't a lot of requirements to be president. I mean hell, George Bush does it all the time. But I can see how "melted face" might detract from a person's political appeal to a wide swath of potential non-melted-face voters. It's old-timey, cold-hearted bigotry, but what are you going to do? We can't ask people to go too far in terms of what they're going to tolerate from what a candidate looks like. So far in this one we've already got a black guy, a chick, a Mexican and whatever woodland faery race Kucinich comes from. Melty-Face, I think, may just be a bridge too far.
I mean honestly, look at the picture again. Would you vote for that guy? I wouldn't. Not only a Melted Face, but a Nazi Melted Face. Totally unrealistic as a candidate. He could have a very reasonable position on universal health care and some revolutionary ideas about solving the seemingly intractable military and foreign policy problems that will be the Bush legacy, but really, if I can see a dude's skull, I'm immediately put off. I am an American voter. We're a superficial lot. As much as a capable executive, we're looking for a Prom King and/or Queen. When you get right down to it, you can't get past the popularity contest that starts with your physical attractiveness.
Which is why I'm in it to win it.
This post on the Narcissus Scale: 0.8